


Under loves heavy burden do I sink

by tastinglove



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Mild Blood, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-29 23:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8509999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tastinglove/pseuds/tastinglove
Summary: He imagines looking back and seeing his splattered heart on the sidewalk.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Skam has messed me up badly. 
> 
> Have this mess in return!
> 
> Title from Romeo and Juliet. I couldn't resist, sorry.

It’s cold when his knees hit the ground. The rough surface of the pavement digging just ever so slightly through his jeans into his skin. His eyes unfocused on tiny pebbles. Ants crawling in the darkness, illuminated by the haze of the street light. It’s all blurry. Unreal. The air around him is still and sharp. His lips and throat so dry, but he’s not sure if that is why breathing hurts so much right now. Maybe it’s the lump he can’t seem to swallow, his head and brain being torn and pushed from the inside by all these things and thoughts. He can’t sort it all out. The faintness of the moon above him, the absoluteness of everything and nothing around him. He can feel himself blink and the wetness that follows. He can hear himself screaming and cursing. The void around him absorbing his innerness, his deepest feelings laced with the bitter taste of betrayal. It vanishes. He can feel himself vanishing. What’s the point of it all? What is he doing here on his knees in the position of an unbelieving prayer? His body is sluggish, almost reluctant to leave this behind. This. This moment of staying here. Hoping it will change something. Fix something or make it all go away. His legs seem reluctant to move, to give up, but his mind is such a complex mechanism, forcing him to keep moving, one step at a time. He imagines leaving a trail of blood behind him. He imagines looking back and seeing his splattered heart on the sidewalk.

He fumbles with his keys on the way home, hesitating before actually unlocking the door. He feels weird returning home. Like everything that just happened didn’t actually happen. Like it was all just some massively fucked up alternate reality that was only there to give him a warning. Or something. But that’s a big something. And his head still feels fuzzy while his skin is clammy and hot from the tears and the embarrassment. He knows he doesn’t get a do-over. If he goes to his room and then to sleep it actually happened. He’ll wake up tomorrow and he’ll still be the same but the world around him has somehow shifted. He’s not to good at dealing with shifts and changes and that’s why all of this hurts so much. Because he let this person do this to him, willingly. He wanted it. He wanted this change. He wanted his world to be different. Better, perhaps. His nails scratching against the keys before unlocking the door, he knows the shift is already done. It’s just a different outcome than he had expected. He had hoped and he had lost. He doesn’t know who is to blame. The door shuts behind him and he stands where he stood hours ago. He closes his eyes for 1, 2, 3, 4 seconds and vows to just let it all go. It doesn’t matter. It never did. He himself didn’t matter enough as a person for all of this to be so fucking painful.

There are still lights on in the living room. Eskild is sitting on the couch, surrounded by a bunch of frivolous magazines, a glass and a bottle of red wine on the table infront of him. He doesn’t seem focused, more like just wasting time. His head immediately shoots up when he hears him enter. His eyes are clear, alcohol doesn’t affect him very easily. His face looks soft before it hardens just the tiniest bit. It’s not anger. It’s a form of protection. Like Isak could say another hurtful thing. Like he could attack his identity again, strip him of who he is with his words alone. He doesn’t want to do that. Never wanted to do that. And he knows him and Eskild aren’t on the best terms and he can’t help but feel like the one who is stripped bare. Naked. Drained of everything. Everything sucked away, just leaving his truest form he sometimes can’t stand. The form he knows isn’t easy to deal with. Too complicated. It’s all too complicated.

‘You’re back. Had any fun?’ Eskild asks. He sounds tired but also inquisitive. Or maybe like he doesn’t trust Isak. And why should he? It’s not like he has given him a lot of openness lately. Or at any time. It’s just not his thing. Why share the sorrow when you can control the damage around you instead? When he saw Even at the party, he felt like everything around him had been destroyed. Wasteland. For a short moment Even was still the the shining mirage. The he turned into a dry rotten tree.

‘Yeah, sure. Just.. a bit tired. Came back early’ It comes out quietly. Surpressing the screaming inside of him, feeling like it’s all going to pour out if he eases and slips up for one second. Enough turmoil for one night. For a life time. If he just pushes everything away again, every feeling of skin touching skin and lips meeting lips and collarbones and fingers… if he simply forces himself to forget he’ll never remember the taste of this sort of freedom again. He will not crave it anymore. He’ll be happy with what he has. Eskild and his friends. His dad. That’s more than enough. And Isak is going to be enough. He will be enough for other people. He couldn’t be enough for Even and that stings and he never wants to feel like this again.

Eskild looks like he is about to speak again, looking just the tiniest bit worried. Are there tear streaks on Isak’s face? Are his hands dirty from leaning on the ground? Do his eyes look red? Is the heartbreak written all over him? Can he rewrite it all?

He needs to get out of this room. Needs to be alone now. He’s good at that, he thinks.

‘I’m just gonna head to bed…Goodnight..’He quickly pulls off his shoes and and jacket, feeling Eskild’s eyes staring at him. Into him. He can’t have that. Someone seeing him so clearly without any distractions. It reminds him that he was ready to give that to someone else. To Even. He was ready to let him see. Isak will make sure no one will ever get close enough again. Taking a deep breath, he turns around and walks straight to his room. He can hear Eskild saying ‘sleep well’ to him and there is so much worry and fondness in his voice it maches him ache all over again.

After placing his hat on his bedside table, he crawls right under his covers, not even bothering to change his clothes. He won’t be able to sleep anway. His mind is a dark whirlwind of colors not making any sense. It’s all t0o much and not nearly sufficient at the same time. Black turns into white and into black again but it’s all not tangible. Nothing to grasp, nothing to rationalize or categorize. All so blank and yet screaming with vivid reds and blues and purples and he remembers kicking things and pain shooting up his leg and he wonders if the bruise on his pale skin will have the same colors.

He closes his eyes and takes deeps breaths. He imagines inhaling deep enough and still smelling the presence of Even in his bed. His warmth and musk and mint. He was so warm, but even now Isak feels like burning up. Like his body is physically trying to expell every venomous thought inside of him. His phone buzzes in the pocket of his jeans. He doesn’t dare look at it. It vibrates again. He takes it out and immediately shuts it off. There are no good messages coming his way right now. No matter from whom.

How has he managed to fuck all of it up so badly? How has he ended up like this? It’s pathetic, really. He just needs to get his shit together. He doesn’t need Even for that. It’s a mantra in his head.

‘I don’t need him. I don’t want him’. He says out loud into the emptiness of his room. He’ll manage to convince himself, he’s sure of it. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments always appreciated of course (:


End file.
